I called Jenn tonight, but she didn't answer, I thought she might not because I'm not sure when they were traveling today. I left a message telling her she could call me if she needed to talk or if she needed a distraction. Of course, with the way things are going she'll probably call when I'm in class.
I have all the lectures I need to watch watched. Now I just have to actually study the material. I remember a day when i didn't have to study anything. Going to class was good enough for me to get at least a B. I'd kiss some pretty gross ground for a garanteed C. Plus, today I found out that on top of a class we have tomorrow evening we also have a review for the exam we have wed. So even less time to study. You'd think reviews would be helpful but at UF they don't help anything at all. Just a bunch of stupid questions asked by people who want to impress the instructor, or things that go over my head. Never a good sign. I'm not looking forward to the next few days. Then I'm going home Thursday evening and hopefully I'll get to see Jenn before she leaves Saturday.
Tomorrow is the service and burial in Arlington. I can't imagine how difficult it's going to be on them. They told a reporter from the Chronicle that he would be allowed to be at the service, I just hope that he keeps his distance and doesn't bother them. I wasn't real happy how close they were Friday. The articles they did were good though, and I think it's important for people to see that the military isn't always what they say it is. And I think it's important for him to be remembered.
I know that both Tab and I have told her to call if she needs us, and I hope that she does, but I think that after this she probably won't want to talk for a while. Charlie is a really good guy, I hope that him being there in person is enough for her.
I don't really know what to say about the services. "They were nice," really isn't something I think can be said about such services. So I guess I'll say they were respectful. I can't say that I've never lost anyone close to me, but I've never been to a funeral so I never really knew what was going on. For me the visitation was the most difficult. It was open casket and that alone would have been uncomfortable, but I think more so because when I walked up it didn't look him at all. But I think the most difficult part was to see how much everyone was hurting. I still can't quite believe it. I think maybe it is because I never knew him well, and for the last several years the only news I heard about him was through Jenn, so to me, the fact that he's not here isn't much difference than it was before. But when talk of the future comes up, that's when it sort of hits. The worst part for me was when it occurred to Jenn, perhaps for the first time since finding out, that she was waiting to have her wedding ceremony for him to come home. It was important to her for them to all celebrate together. I didn't know what to tell her. What would be the right thing to say. I told her he'd be there. And she said she knew. But I still don't know what the right thing to say would be. I feel like I've spent nearly a lifetime already trying to not say the wrong thing. And I doubt I succeeded, but I just don't know. After the visitation everyone went back to Jenn's house (well, her parent's really, but I'll always think of it as her house). They toasted his life several times and had a generally good time. I only did shots for 2 of the toasts because I knew I was going to have to drive home, and this isn't the time to tempt fate. A girl I had never met, but was apparently very attached to him got very drunk, and we all spent a little time comforting her and helping her through the beginning of her sickness. I did get a chance during that time to tell Charlie that I thought he had been great this week. When they got married I was very worried, but this week I've been very relieved to know that she has someone there with her, someone who is as good a person as he is. Then I went home.
The next morning was the church service. My mom agreed to watch the baby, so she followed me over to the house and since the other Melissa was also going alone we decided to go together. We went to the funeral home first and then followed the processional to the church. A group of veteran motorcyclists were at the beginning of the processional because there were fears that there would be protestors there. And I'll have to say right now that that is the most horrible thing I have ever heard of, and maybe someday I'll be able to put that into words in a way that will do it justice. There were no protestors on that day though. And for that we will all be eternally grateful. As we drove up we saw fire trucks set up with the ladders extended with a flag hung between them. The service was good. There was no traditional eulogy. He was a writer and two of his poems as well as his reasons for enlisting were read aloud. Jenn and her husband read passages from the bible and her sister sang an Irish lullaby. It was good even though the organist broke in after the first couple words and sang louder than her and different words. While I wish she could have sung alone a little longer I think it broke some of the tension for a little while, she was able to smile while she sang and we all joined in during the parts that were on the sheet provided in the pew. Personally I did well during the service, I only teared up a few times, even when the priest was so overcome he had to take a moment. After the church service we all went outside the church where a military chaplain gave a sermon of his own. When we got back to Jenn's house, Jenn talked about how long his sermon was and mentioned how he had blown the wind to let the chaplain know that he was being long winded, and I didn't think of it then, though I noticed the wind, but I really like the thought of it. What really got me though was when they fired the 21 gun salute. With the first shot the tears began to fall. Some friends of the family played taps and a bagpiper played Amazing Grace. Then came the folding and presentation of the flag. They were so strong through it all. They were amazing. Afterwards we went back to Jenn's house. After a while Jenn went to sleep, and shortly after I decided to go home and get some sleep too. I left word for her to call me when she woke up, figuring I would go back when she woke up, but when I woke up and she hadn't called I called her and she said not to come because she would be going to sleep early. But she said she'd see me today. She said she'd call when she was up, but after lunch I called her and she said she was about to sleep again. When I called later because she hadn't called me back, and I needed to tell her I am leaving for Jacksonville tomorrow afternoon, because I wasn't sure if she knew, she was eating so I didn't talk for long. I told her I'd be back Thursday afternoon/evening. They will be going to Arlington for the service and burial there on Tuesday and she'll be back after, but she leaves to go back home Saturday, so I hope I get to see her again before she goes home. I was hoping I'd get to see her again before I left for Jacksonville. I just can't tell how she is really doing over the phone (not only can I not see her but if I call her cell phone--if she answers--it breaks up and I miss things that she says, or if I call the house phone, I can hear all the people talking behind her better than I can hear her), it's hard enough for me to decide in person. I'm not sure if she's really been sleeping as much as it seems the last two days or if she doesn't want to talk (to just me or anyone), or if she feels that me going over there is putting me out and she doesn't want to do that. To top it all off I'm starting to have some panic attacks about school and being prepared for an exam I have next week as well as getting enough done to look prepared for my other classes, so I probably couldn't tell how she was really feeling if she wore a sign telling me. But to Tab...I've been calling her several times a day the last few days, I don't know if it bothers her or them, she hasn't said, but I hope that it was quieter there today, with less interruptions, I hope she really was able to get some sleep. I don't think they are leaving tomorrow, so if you want to call while she's still at home it would probably would be better to do it then. If you do, could you let me know what you think about how she is doing?
I can't find the words to describe how strong they have been through all of this. I know that on the inside they are really torn up, but they don't show it on the outside. I think he'd be very proud of them all. I know if he had the choice he would have chosen to come home when this was all over and live his life, but I think that if he knew how the end would be he would have been proud of the way things have been done. He'd have been proud of them.
I just wish I knew what to do for them.
Sorry for the radio silence. It's been a little crazy preparing to miss school and getting back here and doing all the things that are done when this kind of horrible thing happens. Jenn and her family are doing okay. Anyone who knows them knows they are amazing, strong, caring, kind people, but I'm not sure anyone could know that those qualities would rise up in such an amazing way during this kind of heart ache. They are truly amazing people and they are hanging in there. I've attended all the services that I will attend. I will not be in Arlington, but they will be in my thoughts. I think I have to spend a little more time wrapping my mind around things before I can post more. I just wanted to post a little note in case anyone was wondering.
I talked to Jenn again tonight. Over the weekend I had called her at least twice a day to see how she was doing. But today I had class and quite frankly I wasn't sure if it was making it worse. When I called she would stay on the line and talk, but she didn't really say much, and I could always hear people in the background talking, and I wasn't sure if it would be better for her to be interacting with them or stuck on the phone with me. But it was important to me for her to know that I am here for her and that I care about her so I called her. I'm glad I did. She is still upset, but she sounded better. And I felt like she was happy I called. She said that they had a lot of news people over today. And she told me some of the plans. They are going to have an Irish wake Thursday, and the service friday and the grave-side service will be next tues in arlington. At least that's what it looks like. I told her I would be at the wake and the service. I have no idea what an irish wake is. I don't know if there's anything i'm supposed to do, any traditions that should be followed or even what to wear. I've never been to a funeral before so I don't really know what to expect but it is not as much of a question mark as the wake. I talked to someone at school and it looks like I won't have a problem missing classes. I still have to e-mail a professor but it looks good. The information has been released and it's on the department of defense web-site and my mom e-mailed me a link to a short article on baynews 9. There should be more tomorrow. I think it's good that they are covering it, people should know what's happening, that it's not good. And more importantly he should be remembered. It's still so odd, even seeing his name in print with a picture it doesn't seem real, like any minute I'll find out I just dreamed it up. He was only 22 and had so much life in front of him. I'm just glad we have the opportunity to remember him properly.
I'm still having trouble believing it. I don't know how they can deal with it and accept it if I can't even believe it. Maybe it's because he wasn't part of my everyday world. They are very strong people that are showing a great deal of courage throughout this whole thing. I don't know that I could. Jenn flew in yesterday morning. I didn't know she'd be able to get here so fast. Charlie came with her, which made me feel better, I hate the thought of them being alone right now. When I talked to her she was already in Orlando, she would have been home before I could have been if I had left right then. I thought about going home, but it just seemed better to stay here. If it was me, I know that the last thing I'd want to do is feel like I need to entertain guests. And I didn't want to be that for them. I'm also behind in school right now, I knew I had the weekend so I let things slide, now it seems that I shouldn't have done that. So I figured it would be better for me to stay here and catch up so that I can be there when I need to be, rather than go there and feel like I was in the way. She said the service for him will probably be at the end of the week. So when she knows when I will make plans to be there. They think they will bury him in Arlington, so there will be a grave-side service for him there. I wish I could make it to that, but I don't think school would let me. I think as it is I'm going to have to fight a little to get a day off to go to citrus county. Monday-Thursday this week we have classes that can't be made up. But I think that they will not have a problem excusing me from whatever I need to be excused from. I really don't think that it will be a problem, but this program is so crazy, I'm afraid they will tell me that I won't be excused because it's not next of kin or something. And how aweful is it that my plans are made always with the thought of how things are going to affect my schooling? Even at a time like this I have to consider how I'm going to get around it. If I had a regular job right now I could have just called in, explained and gotten leave. But with school they know they have a captive audience who just commited $20,000 to the school year so they can demand anything they want of us.
I just know I have to be there. I can't not be there. It's bad enough that I'm not there now. So they will have to work with me.
They are being so strong. Yesterday they called the people they thought would want to know, so they could tell them personally before it was announced on the news. An amazingly considerate act, that I don't think anyone would ever expect, but one that is greatly appreciated, even more considering how difficult it must be. Today they have started to go through his things and put things in order. I think it's good for them to all be together, good that they were all able to get there so fast.
Jenn called me tonight. I knew as soon as I answered the phone that something was wrong, but I had no idea. Her brother was killed in Iraq. She was upset, and I couldn't make out all the details of what happened. I couldn't think of a single thing to say other than, "I'm sorry," I'm so sorry. What do you say at a time like this. I told her to call whoever she needed to and come home and be with her family. I was completely useless, I had no idea what to say, and I have no way of getting there to be with her. When they all joined the various arms of the military I ranted and raved (not to them so much as myself) about it, about how it was dangerous, and unpredictable, and a bad idea. But through all of that I never considered it would really happen. Not to them. Not so close. Never so close. I never considered what I'd say if it did. What I'd do if it did. I'm in complete shock. I can't imagine what she is feeling, what they are all feeling. I don't know what to do for them. I know there is nothing I could do to make it better, but there should be something I can say. And I don't know what it is. What do you do? What do I do? How can something like this happen to such amazing people?
Irreconcilable Difference
Every pair of dress pants I own is a petite size. I drive my car with the seat rolled all the way back. How the universe reconciles these differences is beyond me.
I have been a negligent blogger recently. And I have neglected a good deal of stuff. When the semester was over, I took a little time to do pretty much nothing. Nikky tore her ACL and had surgery on it a couple days before I got home, and the cat was sick, so aside from getting Nikky stuff to eat and force feeding the cat I spent a lot of time crocheting and reading and laying in my hammock. It was nice. But now I'm back. And I have lectures to watch. Blah. I finished 2 scarves, for Jenn and Charlie for Christmas, and I worked a lot on mine, but I'm not finished with it yet, I think I want it longer, but I'm out of yarn, so I need to go see if I can find a color match. If I can't then I guess that takes care of that. But it's very soft and I really like it. I thought I might be a faster crocheter than I am, so I wanted to do some other things, but I didn't get to it. Right now I'm working on a 3rd scarf in peace fleece that my mom said she would like to have. Originally I thought about making it for an aunt who said she liked scratchy wool, but the pattern I'm using is very skinny so I don't think it would do her much good since she lives in Illinois and it's really cold there. It will provide a little warmth and I think the pattern is cute, so I'm glad that mom wants it.
At first I didn't like the peace fleece much because it was so scratchy, but I have since decided that I do like it. I like it better when it is used in a tighter pattern, the ones I made for Jenn and Charley were a mesh-type pattern, the one I'm making now is more solid, and while it's still scratchy, I like the texture better. I wouldn't use it for a sweater though. The yarn I'm using for my scarf is a single ply wool blend from sensations by Joann (the store), and it's very soft. It's a pretty off white that I think will go with a lot of things. I can't wait until it's finished. And finally, a picture.
The blue is the scarf I'm working on now. It's actually a deeper blue, not navy, definitely a royal blue, but not nearly as bright as in the picture. The white is the scarf I'm making for me. It's not nearly as white, more of an off white/maybe winter white. And the hooks are the ones I bought on ebay, and they are awesome. and much prettier than the picture shows, in my opinion.
Well, so today was the first day of classes. Technically I just had lectures. And...if I never had to go to campus I don't think this would be so bad, but since we do, and that takes up hours of the day, and then you feel like the day should be over, I can tell we are going to be busy.
I got here last night and I'm already homesick. I want to be back home, reading a book, or crocheting or sitting and watching TV or rent a movie with my mom, and I want to be able to see the cats. I miss that already.
I don't think I mentioned it but one of our cats is sick. He has hepatic lipidosis and you can look that up but basically it's a liver problem and one of the effects causes him to not eat or drink...and the treatment is to eat. So he's being force fed. The usual treatment is for the vet to insert a feeding tube surgically and then for the owner to feed the cat through that tube several times a day for 6 weeks to 3 months. But it is very expensive and doesn't always work, so the next option is force feeding, which is what we chose. For a few days over break we thought he was doing very good and would get better but then he took a big step back and also starting being even more difficult to feed. But when I left he seemed to be improving some. The prognosis is generally not too good, but it may be a good sign that he is still alive and seems to be improving some. But this has been going on since a couple weeks before break. So about 5 weeks... And I feel bad because now mom has to do all the feeding on her own and she's working, and dealing with a sick cat. But maybe with everyone gone during the day the cat will sleep more and have more time where he isn't afraid he's going to be held down with an eye dropper shoved in his mouth and he will start feeling better? Maybe? Maybe he'll get hungry during the day and eat some on his own? Maybe?
Also, I got that hook. And I am a bad person and haven't left feedback, I'll do that now. But it is gorgeous. It's black pearl and ruby and the black part is like a silvery shimmer color. And it's sooo small. I'm going to make socks with it. Someday.
Also, I won another beautiful hook on Friday. It's rosewood and black pearl. And it's a G, which is smaller than my others. I'm excited about it and can't wait to see it.
Also, I took Jenn and Charlie their scarves yesterday and they seemed to like them, I hope they did. I forgot to take a picture though! AND then when I took Brook home she gave me a Christmas gift...it was a scarf! It's pretty, and it even smells pretty. So it's a year for scarves. And it was a crazy coincidence. When I came home I told Nikky and she laughed because she knew I had just made some for Jenn and Charlie. But I felt bad too because I just sent Brook a card. But I think that if I see her again before I go back to school I'm going to take her a skein of peace fleece because I still have 2 and I don't have any plans for them yet. It's even funny because I made Jenn and Charlie blue scarves and the one brook gave me is blue too.
I'm having some anxiety about school starting tonight and I'm not sure why because when the semester ended I was actually feeling really good and I thought it would carry over. But for whatever reason it's hitting tonight, just a little, but it's making me worry that I'll have anxiety like I did at the end of the semester all semester long. And I'm not sure I can deal with that. I think that that is what it is...I'm getting worried that school will always be like it was those last few weeks. And I have what seems like so much going on, or at least it seems like I'm dealing with so many people and I get worried that I said something wrong, or should have said something, or I look stupid, and the biggest is that I'm going to dissapoint someone, let them down. Which may be what started all this. So I'm going to work on it.
But I don't think I'm ever going to be excited about school starting again.
Jenn is here for the week, she got here new years eve early, and I still hadn't seen her so yesterday afternoon I went to her house to hang out and then I went to dinner and a movie with Lori and Brook. Lori is planning to buy a house and Brook is very depressed, which is totally normal. I drove her home since I live in Homosassa and it's on the way and she was getting more depressed because the night was ending and she said it's worse at night, and I think that's the way it is for everyone, and she talked aboutt how hard things were and she said she just wanted to know what made him change his mind and I just didn't know what to say. I just don't know why he would do that, why he would be so mean. This is one of those things only he can know and I doubt he even knows why he did things the way he did. I wish she could just fast forward through all this and get to the part where it gets better, because that's what they say, it gets better. It just never seems to until it's better. Then she showed me her new place, it's nice, 2br 1bath. And a friend gave her a new couch, it's really nice and looks like it's new. It's purple, and is totally her style, so that's cool. Tonight mom and Nikky and I went to Outback for dinner. It was really good, and I'm glad I got to go, with school I don't get to come home that often and even though I've been home a lot during break it's not the same as actually just spending time together. I can't wait until I'm not in school anymore, so I can see people whenever I want and talk to them whenever I want. I called Jenn this afternoon to see if she wanted to do anything tonight, but she was sleeping so I told her I was going to dinner with mom but I wasn't doing anything tonight and she said she'd call me, but she never called me, so I thought she probably was busy with her family...but then I called her and I think she had forgot that I called until I called again. Tomorrow they are going to Universal and will be back Thursday night and Friday she is spending time with her Grandma, I hope I get to see her again before then because I would feel bad if she came all this way and then I only saw her once, but it just seems like things are crazy right now, she's trying to spend time with everyone she can and I'm doing the same thing because she's leaving Saturday and I'll be leaving here Sunday. But I really don't want to leave. I'm going to make an effort to make next semester different so that I don't have this dread anymore, I'm just not sure it will work.
I'm really sorry for all the long rambly posts that sounds all depressed and freaked out. I'm not actually like this, it's just that posting helps settle things and since I haven't been posting very often I have a lot to post about and then once I start with the venting it seems like everything has to be vented about.
Blogging does help make it better, I highly recommend it.
So...I have the same ATM card I got when I opened the account when I was in High School. And...I graduated high school in '99 so...well you get it. It's just a debit card. Not one of those new fangled visa check cards. I got one of those too when I opened the account but they said that after a year it wouldn't be free anymore and they had to send it to me, but I got the debit card right away so by the time I got the check card I was used to using the debit card so I decided I didn't need it AND a check card. SO I never activated it, though it's probably around here somewhere. So anyway, I ran out of cash yesterday and I was at Publix and I figured I'd go the the ATM right outside, and that's when I discovered that my card is broken. So tomorrow, I have to go to the bank to get a new card AND cash because tomorrow night I have to go to dinner with Lori and Brook and Jenn is here and I haven't done more than talk to her on the phone for a little bit and I need to see her, but I haven't (because it seems like there is a lot to do and I don't want to get her sick with this stupid, horrible cold) and I can't tomorrow night because I'm having dinner and a movie with Lori and Brook and they really don't get along with Jenn and I don't think that Brook would be all excited about eating with Jenn and Carlos because they're happily married and she just broke up with Jack and they had been together for a LONG time, but he's an ass and she finally broke things off with him and while they wouldn't do it on purpose it would probably be like rubbing it in her face because that's what couples do when they are together. So, hopefully Tuesday because Wed and Thurs they will be in Orlando and I'm not sure the exact date they are leaving but I have to go back to jax on Sunday and Sometime in there I have to go to Outback with Mom and Nikky but Nikky doesn't want to on Wed because that's her Birthday and not Thurs because she wants to celebrate that day with her Friends and then it's snowbird season so Fri, Sat, and Sun aren't all that good for Outback, so I'm not sure when we'll do that, but I actually want to do that, so we'll figure it out.
And...Can I just say that I hope Lori hasn't ever been with her new boyfriend when Brook was around because when I went with Lori to that wrestling match (of all things) because he was coaching and she didn't want to go alone and then we ended up there early and so they had time to talk and they spent like 10 minutes in this private lovey conversation while I was standing there trying to avert my eyes and twiddling my thumbs and I didn't even just break up with someone and I was uncomfortable and then the guy didn't say hardly anything even though I tried to talk to him and I'm not all that talky so I was REALLY trying and he just answered my questions with the most basic answers and then silence. And wow, was that whole thing wierd not to mention I was forced to watch little boys wrestle, and wow, if I have kids wrestling is something they won't be allowed to do.
Oh, and I've been sick, and I'm lazy on top of it, so I'm not the most motivated I've ever been, and so this week before I go back into the pits of hell (well it feels like that sometimes) I have lots to do. And I don't want lots to do. But I do want to see Jenn and go to Dinner with my mom and know that even though Brook is sad she knows that I care. And I want to sleep, and finish at least the book I'm reading now and the rest of this ball of yarn for my scarf (I'm going to get another ball because I think it should be longer).
And that's all for now, because I'm going to go to bed and read some of this book and then sleep, and tomorrow when I wake up I'm going to be less sick.
Oh, and I have to get Nikky a gift for her Birthday.
