My Crazy Thoughts
my thoughts on various topics.

I don't really know what to say about the services. "They were nice," really isn't something I think can be said about such services. So I guess I'll say they were respectful. I can't say that I've never lost anyone close to me, but I've never been to a funeral so I never really knew what was going on. For me the visitation was the most difficult. It was open casket and that alone would have been uncomfortable, but I think more so because when I walked up it didn't look him at all. But I think the most difficult part was to see how much everyone was hurting. I still can't quite believe it. I think maybe it is because I never knew him well, and for the last several years the only news I heard about him was through Jenn, so to me, the fact that he's not here isn't much difference than it was before. But when talk of the future comes up, that's when it sort of hits. The worst part for me was when it occurred to Jenn, perhaps for the first time since finding out, that she was waiting to have her wedding ceremony for him to come home. It was important to her for them to all celebrate together. I didn't know what to tell her. What would be the right thing to say. I told her he'd be there. And she said she knew. But I still don't know what the right thing to say would be. I feel like I've spent nearly a lifetime already trying to not say the wrong thing. And I doubt I succeeded, but I just don't know. After the visitation everyone went back to Jenn's house (well, her parent's really, but I'll always think of it as her house). They toasted his life several times and had a generally good time. I only did shots for 2 of the toasts because I knew I was going to have to drive home, and this isn't the time to tempt fate. A girl I had never met, but was apparently very attached to him got very drunk, and we all spent a little time comforting her and helping her through the beginning of her sickness. I did get a chance during that time to tell Charlie that I thought he had been great this week. When they got married I was very worried, but this week I've been very relieved to know that she has someone there with her, someone who is as good a person as he is. Then I went home.
The next morning was the church service. My mom agreed to watch the baby, so she followed me over to the house and since the other Melissa was also going alone we decided to go together. We went to the funeral home first and then followed the processional to the church. A group of veteran motorcyclists were at the beginning of the processional because there were fears that there would be protestors there. And I'll have to say right now that that is the most horrible thing I have ever heard of, and maybe someday I'll be able to put that into words in a way that will do it justice. There were no protestors on that day though. And for that we will all be eternally grateful. As we drove up we saw fire trucks set up with the ladders extended with a flag hung between them. The service was good. There was no traditional eulogy. He was a writer and two of his poems as well as his reasons for enlisting were read aloud. Jenn and her husband read passages from the bible and her sister sang an Irish lullaby. It was good even though the organist broke in after the first couple words and sang louder than her and different words. While I wish she could have sung alone a little longer I think it broke some of the tension for a little while, she was able to smile while she sang and we all joined in during the parts that were on the sheet provided in the pew. Personally I did well during the service, I only teared up a few times, even when the priest was so overcome he had to take a moment. After the church service we all went outside the church where a military chaplain gave a sermon of his own. When we got back to Jenn's house, Jenn talked about how long his sermon was and mentioned how he had blown the wind to let the chaplain know that he was being long winded, and I didn't think of it then, though I noticed the wind, but I really like the thought of it. What really got me though was when they fired the 21 gun salute. With the first shot the tears began to fall. Some friends of the family played taps and a bagpiper played Amazing Grace. Then came the folding and presentation of the flag. They were so strong through it all. They were amazing. Afterwards we went back to Jenn's house. After a while Jenn went to sleep, and shortly after I decided to go home and get some sleep too. I left word for her to call me when she woke up, figuring I would go back when she woke up, but when I woke up and she hadn't called I called her and she said not to come because she would be going to sleep early. But she said she'd see me today. She said she'd call when she was up, but after lunch I called her and she said she was about to sleep again. When I called later because she hadn't called me back, and I needed to tell her I am leaving for Jacksonville tomorrow afternoon, because I wasn't sure if she knew, she was eating so I didn't talk for long. I told her I'd be back Thursday afternoon/evening. They will be going to Arlington for the service and burial there on Tuesday and she'll be back after, but she leaves to go back home Saturday, so I hope I get to see her again before she goes home. I was hoping I'd get to see her again before I left for Jacksonville. I just can't tell how she is really doing over the phone (not only can I not see her but if I call her cell phone--if she answers--it breaks up and I miss things that she says, or if I call the house phone, I can hear all the people talking behind her better than I can hear her), it's hard enough for me to decide in person. I'm not sure if she's really been sleeping as much as it seems the last two days or if she doesn't want to talk (to just me or anyone), or if she feels that me going over there is putting me out and she doesn't want to do that. To top it all off I'm starting to have some panic attacks about school and being prepared for an exam I have next week as well as getting enough done to look prepared for my other classes, so I probably couldn't tell how she was really feeling if she wore a sign telling me. But to Tab...I've been calling her several times a day the last few days, I don't know if it bothers her or them, she hasn't said, but I hope that it was quieter there today, with less interruptions, I hope she really was able to get some sleep. I don't think they are leaving tomorrow, so if you want to call while she's still at home it would probably would be better to do it then. If you do, could you let me know what you think about how she is doing?
I can't find the words to describe how strong they have been through all of this. I know that on the inside they are really torn up, but they don't show it on the outside. I think he'd be very proud of them all. I know if he had the choice he would have chosen to come home when this was all over and live his life, but I think that if he knew how the end would be he would have been proud of the way things have been done. He'd have been proud of them.
I just wish I knew what to do for them.

posted by Malissa at 8:33 PM