My Crazy Thoughts
my thoughts on various topics.

I'm having some anxiety about school starting tonight and I'm not sure why because when the semester ended I was actually feeling really good and I thought it would carry over. But for whatever reason it's hitting tonight, just a little, but it's making me worry that I'll have anxiety like I did at the end of the semester all semester long. And I'm not sure I can deal with that. I think that that is what it is...I'm getting worried that school will always be like it was those last few weeks. And I have what seems like so much going on, or at least it seems like I'm dealing with so many people and I get worried that I said something wrong, or should have said something, or I look stupid, and the biggest is that I'm going to dissapoint someone, let them down. Which may be what started all this. So I'm going to work on it.

But I don't think I'm ever going to be excited about school starting again.

Jenn is here for the week, she got here new years eve early, and I still hadn't seen her so yesterday afternoon I went to her house to hang out and then I went to dinner and a movie with Lori and Brook. Lori is planning to buy a house and Brook is very depressed, which is totally normal. I drove her home since I live in Homosassa and it's on the way and she was getting more depressed because the night was ending and she said it's worse at night, and I think that's the way it is for everyone, and she talked aboutt how hard things were and she said she just wanted to know what made him change his mind and I just didn't know what to say. I just don't know why he would do that, why he would be so mean. This is one of those things only he can know and I doubt he even knows why he did things the way he did. I wish she could just fast forward through all this and get to the part where it gets better, because that's what they say, it gets better. It just never seems to until it's better. Then she showed me her new place, it's nice, 2br 1bath. And a friend gave her a new couch, it's really nice and looks like it's new. It's purple, and is totally her style, so that's cool. Tonight mom and Nikky and I went to Outback for dinner. It was really good, and I'm glad I got to go, with school I don't get to come home that often and even though I've been home a lot during break it's not the same as actually just spending time together. I can't wait until I'm not in school anymore, so I can see people whenever I want and talk to them whenever I want. I called Jenn this afternoon to see if she wanted to do anything tonight, but she was sleeping so I told her I was going to dinner with mom but I wasn't doing anything tonight and she said she'd call me, but she never called me, so I thought she probably was busy with her family...but then I called her and I think she had forgot that I called until I called again. Tomorrow they are going to Universal and will be back Thursday night and Friday she is spending time with her Grandma, I hope I get to see her again before then because I would feel bad if she came all this way and then I only saw her once, but it just seems like things are crazy right now, she's trying to spend time with everyone she can and I'm doing the same thing because she's leaving Saturday and I'll be leaving here Sunday. But I really don't want to leave. I'm going to make an effort to make next semester different so that I don't have this dread anymore, I'm just not sure it will work.

I'm really sorry for all the long rambly posts that sounds all depressed and freaked out. I'm not actually like this, it's just that posting helps settle things and since I haven't been posting very often I have a lot to post about and then once I start with the venting it seems like everything has to be vented about.
Blogging does help make it better, I highly recommend it.

posted by Malissa at 8:47 PM